After taking a week off the desire had gone completely. A visit from my brother and another night out put running long, or even short, distances far from my mind. Until – I was undressing in the bathroom and discovered an enormous burn, sore or blister on my stomach. After a few brief moments of inner panic, on closer examination I realised it was melted chocolate. Now, from this I realised four things:

1. I can’t believe I let a piece of chocolate that big slip past unnoticed
2. That’s going to be really tricky to lick that off
3. My stomach is large enough to act as a shelf for fallen chocolate
4. I need to stop eating chocolate laying down and get running again

So, I finally put the new shoes (thanks Mum and Dad) back on and did an easy 30 minute run. The next run was 40 mins and, although a challenge, I was back enjoying it again.

My next big challenge was to run 16kms. I was thinking that as I had taken two weeks off I would have to start back at ten kilometres but finally decided just to give the 16km a crack.

With Radiohead (went retro with The Bends) on the iPod I began my amble around the glorious Barwon River. I have to say it felt bloody fantastic. The first 8kms felt absolutely sensational, empowering and I just had to keep smiling to myself. Once I realised I was halfway I let out a little YAHOO!! and then continued plodding along. By the end (it took 1 hour 50 mins) it was getting dark out and I was facing a cold head wind but I battled on. On finishing I felt deliciously elated and so glad I decided to give the 16km a crack - it really is the mental barriers that seem to stop me more than the physical. The half marathon is only 7 more kms..

So this week it’s a few 40 min runs and one 10km run which I’ll save for the weekend, and then next week – 18kms!! I was advised to start snacking on cashews, dried apricots and to get a protein shake so I’ll get onto that this week. I should probably also cut down on the lollies - after chastising the cat for eating so many biscuits that he threw up on my daughter’s bedroom I almost did the same with a bag of giant jaffas and peanut clusters.

Thanks so much to all of you following along… SHE’S BACK

It’s week 5 of my couch to half marathon training programme and I thought I’d better give you all a progress report (this was supposed to be a weekly thing).

YAY! I just completed my longest run yet of 12kms. The goal was 11.5kms and when it came to the 11.5kms I didn’t want to stop and went the extra half. The running bug has taken a big bite out of my arse and I’m hooked.

I felt so chuffed when I got to the 10km point as that is a distance I haven’t been able to run for a couple of years. It is said that if you can run 10kms you can run a half marathon. Today was the first time I have felt that I could actually make it to the end. It’s absolutely amazing how quickly our bodies gain fitness. My weekly programme is like this:

• one 30 minute easy run
• one 40-50 (increasing each week) minute run
• one long run (started at 5km then increased each week – 40 mins then 8km then 60 mins then 11.5km)

I’m really supposed to be doing one other run a week but I am finding it quite hard to fit it in. Thank god for slow cookers!

I’ve lost about 3kgs so far and my belt went in another loop. I’m really not worrying too much about what I eat but just seem to be naturally going for healthier snacks – (excluding the odd bag of lollies) but hell! Life without lollies is no life at all.

I just wanted to add a little bit as I’ve been in a bit of what Dr Suess calls ‘a slump’…and, as he also says unslumkping yourslef is not easily done. Anywho, I much prefer to talk about slumps in hindsight so I just wanted to share some wise words from the aforementioned Dr Seuss (from ‘Oh The Places You’ll Go’ ) for anyone else looking to do some unslumping of their own:

I’m afraid that some times
You’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
You’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon
That can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go thought the weather be foul.
On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak…

Congratulations! Today is your day.
You’re off to great places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

Gotta love that Dr Seuss!

My Couch

Oh how I love to lie on my couch
For a majority of the day
And not move for a single soul
No matter what they say.

They could say that there’s a fire
And still I would remain
In a droopy pile of human flesh
On my couch – my celestial domain.

My couch is made of fake grey leather
And it’s the exact same length as me
And no matter what problems I have outdoors
My couch will set me free.

There is a down side to my joy
And it may well make you scoff
But when it’s hot and I start to sweat
You have to peel me off.

I just lie there and shout commands
At anyone who may pass
‘Get my tea, a cig, some beer
the bong and then the grass!’

If they were to ignore my pleas
Or if everyone had gone out
I still would not get off my couch
and instead I’d go without.

So if no one came to visit me
That’s exactly where I’d stay
Watching TV, smoking drugs
And slowly wasting away.

And when one day someone noticed a smell
They’d approach my house with care
And discover the corpse of a girl who’s life
Was devoted to her chair.

The first week of my couch to half marathon training regimen went down without too much of a hitch (3×30 min runs and one 5km run). Sure, there was panting, moaning, sweating, gasping and spluttering but not a single hitch! One of the runs even involved getting up at 6.30am!

I’m following a training program that I found on the net, a 12 week marathon training program for beginners. you can also check out the Cool Running couch to 5km podcast, it talks you through walk/run sessions for about a month up to 5km. There is a fairly thick American accent  and at times it’s repetitive but the 90s house/techno music is strangely motivating.

I got a parcel in the mail yesterday from my little brother, Daz. The gorgeous man sent me one of those iPod+Nike thing-a-ma-jigs that you put in your shoe and connect to your iPod and it plays motivating messages and training programs to motivate you. He also sent me a new iPod Nano engraved with the words ‘Darren’s contribution to couch to half marathon.’ What a bloody sweetheart! I cried like a baby.

After observing my blubbering and chin-wobbly phone call to thank Dazaroo, my son asked me what I would do if he threw it out of the car window. I told him I’d throw him out after it, only I’d turn around and go back for the iPod. Anywho, I have to download the latest itunes (one hour and 33 mins to go) and then I’ll be able to put my music on and take it out for a trial run tomorrow.

My wonderful Dad also phoned me last night and said he’d send me the Nike shoes that the thing-a-ma-jig goes into. It’s a fantastic motivator and I can’t wait to take it out for a run tomorrow.

Each run has been a complete struggle but I guess that it’s to be expected. After my first 5km run I was absolutely exhausted and couldn’t help bit think that in just over 3 months I’ll be running 5 times that distance and then one more km!

I have the gorgeous Barwon River just down the road from me so that’s where I head for my runs. It’s amazing the things you see when you’re out among nature:  a little bunny beside the path (that didn’t even flinch as I thundered by); what I thought was a giant squirrel but turned out to be a dog (about 3km in and hallucinating) and a man with his willy out! Yes, you read right – a penis! (It’s alright Mum, it was flaccid!) This guy was fishing and was standing there having a wee. Perhaps he thought no one could see, or perhaps he thought everyone could see!

No, I didn’t yell, ‘You won’t catch a thing with that rod!’ But only because of shortness of breath.

Ok. To set the scene. I have always been a couch dweller, love the couch. In fact, I once wrote an ode to my couch in a poem, cleverly titled ‘My Couch’. And THAT couch was a ripped, vinyl, grey number handed down to me by my sister. On hot days I would literally stick to this couch – as if it wasn’t hard enough to get out of already. Anywho, I’ll dig out the poem and post it here in a little bit.

I have done a little bit of running before. A couple of 5km and 10km fun runs here and there but I haven’t really been running for a year now. And as testament to that fact I have gained several kilos, the ‘fat’ jeans that I bought now have muffin-top and camel-toe and I wheeze and cough as I climb the slightly slanted driveway into work.

So, I have literally thrown myself into the  deep end (ok, it’s a half marathon, so maybe it’s not the deep end but I sure as hell can’t reach the rungs from here) – I paid my $80 registration fee and entered myself in the Great Ocean Road half Marathon. I’ll be running from Kennett River to Apollo Bay – a total of 26kms! I just read that, I thought it was 21!!

The Great Ocean Road is a gorgeous stretch of coastline just past Anglesea in Victoria. Long windy and hilly roads with many hairpin bends. I don’t think the hairpin bends will be a problem at  my pace, though. The view will be gobsmackingly spectacular and will match the severe pain.

I have downloaded the ‘Couch to 5km run’ onto my iPod and have had it there, at the ready, in case the mood should strike, for about three weeks. I have, more than once, put on all of my running gear only to peel it off unsoiled hours later (ok, it was slightly soiled but it’s been hot lately!).  Today is the day!! I am going to (when it cools down) run for 40 minutes without stopping.

My purpose? My goals? I am hoping that by entering this half marathon and committing to keeping a couch to half marathon in three months blog that I will reap all sorts of inadvertant rewards.

Such as:

1. Lose 10 kilos
2. quit smoking
3. look good and feel good in those cute little jogging shorts
4. wear the jogging shorts without chafing
5. wear the jogging shorts without having them disappear up my arse
6. wear my skinny lady jeans
7. feel a fabulous sense of achievement
8. to feel as though my body is a vessel of strength and stamina instead of somewhere to stash Whittakers Slabs, coloured popcorn and ice cream buried under ice magic…mmmmm ice magic

So,  follow along with me, if you will, as I embark on the journey from couch to half marathon in three months. I can see tears, I can see pain, I can see begging for mercy but I’ll stop all that in a minute and get ready to go on MY FIRST RUN!!!